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[Sun, May 3, 2009 ♥ 2:45pm] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
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By the way, I never write in here on my good days, which have become much more increasing. Life is fairly good, and I've come to see the beauty in it which had become lost for such a long time. In general now, I am happy.
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| Something inside keeps telling my that I've died |
[Sat, May 2, 2009 ♥ 1:54pm] |
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mood |
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 Fuck. |
] |
I've got all these guys that want to be with me, but the only guy I want to be with doesn't want to be there with me.
I guess I'm just going to be here for myself. I want girlfriends:(
On and off on and off. I'm tired of being so up and then so down. Maybe I should just erase it all and start over. I wish.
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[Fri, Apr 24, 2009 ♥ 10:42pm] |
I'm stablizing.
I sure miss who I used to be.
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| Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky |
[Sat, Apr 18, 2009 ♥ 8:55pm] |
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So my parents and Mikey left today. I'm here alone. Boy, here we go. I'm already all weepy. I don't know why I'm such a wreck. I can see things from a normal point of view, but I can't feel them. Not seeing a boyfriend for a month isn't a big deal. I should be able to concentrate on getting my school work done. But its not like that. I just want to hug someone so bad right now, I want kisses on my forehead. Anybody, just to tell me they love me. In person. I'm so addicted to physical touch. I don't even know why I write on here, I just feel so goddamn pathetic. Things were going okay, I've been going to therapy and getting to know myself better and how to handle the situation, and then a couple days ago Mikey says he's going to Arizona to help his mom watch Rainey. I should be glad he gets to see his family, and I am. But my mind can't handle this! I know how, but it doesn't work. I'm just longing for someone to be here with me right now. I don't want to keep on crying and feeling lonely, I want to do the things I never get a chance to outside of schoolwork and spending time with mikey, but I can't when my mind is plaguing me. I can't make it stop! I should be making pottery, homework, sewing, playing violin, meditating, something besides crying thinking about how I feel so alone and being stuck behind a goddamn computer! Whats wrong with me?! Why am I like this?! Why can't it stop?! Who the fuck even reads this and let alone cares?! NO ONE! It doesn't matter! Why can't I just be normal?!!? God and tomorrow I'll have a whole day of nothing to try to make something out of. I need to get my homework done, but I can't in this state of mind but it won't go away. I just want to see somebody.
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| Like steel in my palm |
[Tue, Apr 14, 2009 ♥ 4:33pm] |
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I've come to realize that I am the smelly kid in class.
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| Toys in the attic |
[Tue, Apr 7, 2009 ♥ 8:34pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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So I'm finally going to a therapist. I've been needing it for years.. and years. I'm discovering some things about myself, and its nice. But I still feel pretty shitty. My therpist says I might have Dissociative Identity Disorder(Multiple Personality Disoder. It makes sense... almost. When she asked me the questions leading up to whether I might have this disorder it seemed like she asked a question that no one would ever be able to guess about me, even if they knew me well. I guess its her job, its just freaky, but good. I knew for sure that I had a disorder. I thought about the possibilities of multiple personalities before, but i didn't think it was extreme... but now that I look at it, I do feel really crazy. I do feel like there's more than one person living in my head, my body, but I don't feel like a schizo. I just want to be sure of what I really am... its making me feel even more insane.
It just sucks when I try to talk to Mikey about it, he always reacts the same way. When I told him last night that I might have DID all he says is "You're fine. You just need to calm down. You're okay." Ummm no I'm not. You didn't call the mental health crisis line because I was okay. I don't wonder around delusional, dizzy and falling over because I'm okay. I'm not going to a therapist because I'm okay. You know I'm not okay, that's why you're leaving me. You can't handle my craziness anymore, so you're leaving. Like everyone else ends up doing.
I'm so alone. I don't know what I'm going to do when he leaves. I want/need to live with somebody, I can't handle being to lonely, but who wants to live with a crazy person? I'm going to be alone here for another half a year. I still haven't made any friends, I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know what to do. And when I start crying you ask "What's wrong?" Shouldn't that be a little obvious right now? I'M NOT OKAY!
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| Hahaha, yeah right. |
[Wed, Feb 11, 2009 ♥ 5:33pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
Am I just being completely overprotective? Am I just being a sister who thinks no one is good enough for her big brother? Am I over reacting to a silly myspace bulletin I saw? She said they are hoping to get married by AUGUST. That's not so far away. And they want to get a HOUSE together. FUCK THAT. When I met her she seemed pretty low life and immature.Yeah, we had a few things in common...because we're almost the same fucking age. I understand that she's had a rough life, with the family situation and all, but that's not a good enough excuse to not have a real job or goal in life. Floating around thinking you might get something done today, and then drinking it off because you didn't is NOT good enough. Don't use my brother for his money, gold diggin cunt. Yeah, he makes enough to support the both of you, but that doesn't mean he should. You're only 19 for fucks sake You're younger than me and you want to marry my 25 year old brother? You've barely known each other for a year. That's not love. That's puppy love. Mikey and I have been together over a year, and we still think its ridiculous to even consider marriage. It doesn't matter how much money the wedding will cost, and if you can pay for it and a house. It's about commitment and a deep understanding of each other. It's knowing each other through and through, knowing each others flaws yet loving another unconditionally. Its about loyalty, honesty and TRUST. And bitch, I don't trust your drunken ass. You really think you're gonna want my brother in a few years still? How bout 10? How about 40? DOUBT IT. Over half of marriages end in DIVORCE. It's a stupid concept in the first place, but in the situation... fucking retarded. Grow up before you even consider wanting in to my family.
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| In my book of spite, there's a chapter on you... |
[Fri, Feb 6, 2009 ♥ 9:29pm] |
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mood |
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 high |
] |
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music |
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guess |
] |
Kill kill.
Die die.
FUCK I tried.
FUCK I'm tired.
I've been waiting so long.
How long is this supposed to take?
When was it best?
Do you remember?
No?
That's why it was best.
Figure that one out.
FUCK I tried.
FUCK I'm tired.
I used to fly around.
In the sky.
For hours.
Now I'm stuck here on earth.
I have no choice.
It's an obligation.
I don't know where the time ran off to.
It runs in the most inconvenient times.
FUCK I tried.
FUCK I'm tired.
I'm trying to escape fom my own prison.
It's not working so well.
I can't stay in reality.
I was alive.
I was alive.
I was alive.
I was alive.
NOW I'M DEAD!
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| Take another little piece of my heart now baby |
[Thu, Feb 5, 2009 ♥ 4:34pm] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
] |
I've started school. Its pretty crazy. Every class has online bullshit attatched to it, which I really don't like, but I guess I'll have to get used to it. Ahhh I miss the simplicity of Lassen college. But I guess its going okay. English 1b seems like its going to be a bitch, I can't wait to get damn English classes done and over with. I'm really busy with homework all the time. So I decided to pretty quit smoking pot, I just don't have the time. I might on weekends if I do have time, or if I'm going to party, but meh. I hadn't really been enjoying it much anyway. It doesn't make me feel happy silly like it used to. It makes me feel just lazy and tired, oh so tired. All I want to do when I smoke it is lay down and end up falling asleep. Really lame. So whatever. I've been smoking way too many cigarettes on the other hand, half a pack a day almost and I rally hate that, but it feels like thats one of the things that keeps me less stressed. Gah. And I haven't been excersizing at all, for a while I was doing yoga every morning and taking walks or runs every day. I really miss that. I just don't feel like I have the time or energy for it anymore. When I'm done with all my classes and homework I just wanna relax. I'll just have to make myself, Cause I know it'll make me feel better afterward.
Mikey started nightshifts so sometimes I only see him for 2 hours a day, that kinda sucks, and its way weird because I used to see him all day every day when we worked together. But I think its kind of keeping us from getting on each others nerves as much, now when we're together we just chill. I sure do miss him at night though, going to bed alone is especially weird. 16 months on tuesday :) I'm so happy about that, we're still doing good and going strong. I love Mickel DeLuca. I never imagined he would be this good for me. I've been thinknig more and more about it and... I really do want to live in a house we hand built in the forest with a huge garden, being self-sustained. I really wouldn't wanted it any other way.
P.S.
Trip to Ashland in a couple weeks?! Thank you George Washington.
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| Fuuuuuuck |
[Mon, Jan 19, 2009 ♥ 9:23am] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
] |
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music |
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Black betty |
] |
I'm socially retarded. I haven't made any friends here, except the ones i met at work. But I can't hang out with em cause they're always working... So for the past few weeks I've been sitting at home alone, trying to keep myself busy. School starts tomorrow, and I hope eventually I can meet some people there, but I really don't know how. I don't even know how I made friends in the past. They usually started talking to me and we got along and hung out more. But I have no idea how to start a friendship with someone. Hell, I really don't know how to keep one. I've lost so many friends in the past years, and I don't know why. For some reason I just distance myself from people overtime, I don't even mean to. Like Ashley Russ, I really miss her and I wish I hadn't stopped hanging out with her before she moved. And I still regret what I did to Hannah, I swear to god it still pops up in my mind everyday, and it still hurts. I really liked her.
Luckily I've kept a few, like Bridget, I don't know what I'd do without that girl. And Mellissa, I just started talking to her more again. Its hard to keep in contact with people far away, since I hate talking on the phone.
Blah, I guess I'll just keep on doin what I'm doing, and hope some friends come my way soon, I'm lonely. I've got Mikey, but he's even more anti social than I am. We need other people to hang out with thats for sure.
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| I'm just a stinky bitch |
[Sat, Jan 3, 2009 ♥ 1:20pm] |
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mood |
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 listless |
] |
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music |
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apc |
] |
I'm 20 years old. EEK. Thats weird. My birthday was ok, didn't do anything i had planned on, but it wasn't bad.
Went to Havasu dec 26-31. Now I've been to Arizona! Too bad it was because Mikey's grandmother is in the hospital. We didn't even get to see her because his uncle Adam decided to move her to Las Vegas for Chemo therapy... I won't even go into how stupid that is. It was cool seeing Kaylie and Dave though. Kaylies boyfriend redid mikey's knuckle tatoos, and he started to give me my key tattoo on my ankle to match mikey's lock. He got a few lines in when i had a seizure. Whether it was the alcohol and pot I smoked, I don't know, but I blacked out and started convulsing. FUCKING LAME. So now I have another lame unfinished tattoo. Hopefully I can get it done soon at a shop, but it won't be free there.
Can't wait for school. I hope I can figure out all my shit before the 20th. Rawr.
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| Found a place where we can drink liquer and no one bickers over trick shit |
[Sat, Dec 6, 2008 ♥ 9:02pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
] |
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music |
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Rancid hahahahaha |
] |
Here I am sitting in our new apartment, just furnished today. We got it the day before halloween. Its so nice and peaceful. No fighting in the middle of the night. No deflating air mattress, sleeping in the freezing ass garage. A nice warm place where Mikey and I can come home to after work.
Mikey's dad came up this week with Lore and Jade. We had a nice day off to spend time with them today. They bought us a couch and table with chairs, so its really starting to feel like home.
I get to quit work in a week! Its going to be weird not working 6 days a week. I'm worried I'll be bored with nothing to do at home for a while, but when I think about it there's lots of things I need to take care of that will keep me busy. I start school on January 20. I will be 20! on the first. WHAT?! crazy. I want to go and visit Bridget too, hopefully Mikey can come with, but he's going to keep working. That will be odd for the both of us. When I see B I wanna bring some thizzzz with me, it will be her first time, and I haven't done it since early spring when we were still in Lassen. Sounds like a fun time to me.
I wanna do something special with Mikey soon. Our life has become a little routine. I wanna knock his socks off.
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| Toys in the attic |
[Thu, Oct 9, 2008 ♥ 4:07pm] |
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mood |
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 worried |
] |
Tomorrow's Mikey And I's one year anniv. But it won't be anything special. We have to work. We have no money for presents for each other. Nothing. And Jen went to the hospital this morning. She had a nervous breakdown... I can't even start to explain how hard that was to deal with.
Life's hard. I wish some real good, happy thing would happen soon. I'm tired.
When I get home I want to write Mikey a letter, telling him about all the wonderful things I think and feel about him. I need at least something to show how much he means to me.
My past had been pleguing me. I miss it, how simple it was and how easy I got away with foolish things. I'm an adult now. I really don't feel young anymore. All I do is work, and work and work some more. Life kinda slipped by... I just want our own place, that will be the ultimate gift to each other.
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[Tue, Sep 30, 2008 ♥ 1:54pm] |
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mood |
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 /sick |
] |
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music |
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andrea bocelli |
] |
I'm sitting here sick at home in humboldt. I don't like this. I would much rather be working. Being sick sucks fat cock. I didn't go to work yesterday either. I just want to make money so Mikey and I can get our own place! He stayed at work while I went home, its lonely here all alone. There's nothing to do... and about 3 and a half hours til Mikey will get home.
In ten days it will be a year since Mikey and I started dating :) I finally made it a year with someone again since Barrett. I'm so happy with him, I didn't expect we'd get this far. In the beginning I just thought he'd be another guy I dated for a little while. I'm so glad that's not the case, I'm so comfortable with him. I love to talk to him. I always have. I can't love somebody that can't carry on great conversations, and he just tops all my expectations, its great. I love my baby:)
Hopefully we'll have our own place by the end of october, definitely by the end of the year. God I can't wait.
Well I'm going to go brush my teeth and figure out something else to do...
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[Thu, May 8, 2008 ♥ 3:55pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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I absolutely hate to admit it, but my biggest fear is to be alone. Sometimes its nice, but only for a little while. If I'm alone for too long I go crazy.
I dropped Mikey off at the greyhound station in Reno yesterday. It was pretty sudden. I knew he'd be leaving for idaho, but i wasn't expecting to take him there just a few days ago.
I shouldn't complain, or get too teary eyed. When school's over I'll just drive there and stay with him, and get a job there for the summer. But these however many days of school thats left is gonna suck. Maybe I filled up too much of my time with him, cause now I don't know what to do when he's gone. I think of all these other friends I could be hanging out with, and it sounds like fun, but things have changed. Thing's have just gotten lamer. I didn't know it was possible, but once again Susanhell proved me wrong.
I also can think of all these other things I should be doing, like wash my car, work out, shit like that... but I don't want to. I will eventually, but right now I'm too busy trying to get over myself.
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| Go fuck your asshole with an iron fist. |
[Thu, Mar 27, 2008 ♥ 10:16am] |
I care about this boy so much. Its not even in the romantic sense. I see where's he's coming from, I understand how he feels. Sometimes it seems like hardly anyone really cares about him except me, bob, and adam. Everyone else is too caught up in being self centered, trying to get what they want, they don't realize or care what they're putting him through. Those are the king of people I want to punch in the face and say hey dipshit, you're a fucking asshole, and Mikey deserves better.
I'm just so angry, mostly because I can't help him. I try as much as I can, but I really can't do much. I just want him to feel loved and cared about. I want him to know I'll do whatever I can to make him happy.
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| Save yourself. |
[Thu, Feb 28, 2008 ♥ 9:17am] |
I wish I could write all my thoughts down as I'm laying in my bed falling asleep every night. Thats when my brain stirs the most. All these philosophical ideas that only run through my mind as it prepares to shut down for the night. I prove points to myself and make perfect sense, not just some delusional thoughts strung together by some druggy. Deep things that I feel I have practically no one to discuss with. Next time I feel an epiphany coming on, you're gonna know about it. I need to get this stuff out.
And my Bridget. I feel like I'm sort of abandoning her for Mikey sometimes. I don't want it to become like that. Bros before hoes, right? I like to stay the night with her, I appreciate the times we have. I want to talk with her more, MORE! I just hate having to pick up the phone to do that though. Phone calls are so impersonal. I want to stare straight into her eyes when we're being sincere. I can't hold her like I need to when I hear her shaky, trembling voice over when she's upset. I need to live with this girl already, goddamnit. And I need a trip to chester with her. I need more alone time with her. I need her.
Mikey and I are doing well though. 5 months is coming up, oh boy. This whole thing has become routine to me, I hate that I've dated so many guys. What was my reasoning for all that? I don't even want to get married. Am I really that dependent? I don't think so. I think its just nice to have someone to hold, and someone to care for you. I felt nuts when I was in Germany, I wasn't very close to anyone, but I realize now that was a situation I needed to encounter. I whined, cried and complained a lot. How stupid. I knew I was being stupid but I couldn't help it. But it was because of those tears that I learned. It made me strong. I grew so much while I was there, and after I came back. I feel such a change from the beginning of last year to this one. I went from little girl to someone forming into an adult. Oh no, I'm not there yet. I'm still a kid, but I'm ready for the things that will be thrown at me now. I'm facing them head on instead of running away. One of the most important things I believe is that life will throw problems at you, its how you deal with them that makes it worth living.
I've just written a bunch of shit. I don't know how I can go on and on about this kind of stuff, but it just flows out of my fingertips and onto your screen. I'm ridiculous.
I totally got off topic. Anyway, Mikey. Our relationship is growing strong and healthy, I don't think I've had a better relationship yet. The communication is incredible, and we haven't gone off the deep end in mushiness...(have we?) Meh, whatever. My words won't possibly let you understand.
I got a D on my first english essay. And I didn't do so well on this last math test. I need to put more effort into this stuff, and I've improved alot already. This last report I had to write a paper about who I think should win the election, Hillary or Obama. I didn't know shit about either of them. I chose Hillary, and learned some shit about her and made it sound like I knew what I was talking about. Apparently that was enough to win the teacher's approval. I got an A. Fuck. Time to really buckle down so I can keep the A's rollin. That should be easy for my next essay. I get to bash television. Is there anything better than getting a good grade for bashing something you despise?
I just keep jabbering on. I should write in here more often like I used to.
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| 2008 |
[Fri, Jan 18, 2008 ♥ 11:49am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
] |
Fuck. I'm 19. Birthday was great:) I got bud and booze handed to me all night long. And I got some cool gifts from the ones i love most.
Started college on monday. I wasn't nervous. This inner-calmness and understanding I have makes everything seem on a level plane, everything is of equal importance. I don't worry about things, where's that going to get you? But anyway, I'm taking English 1, Math 51(which is dull, since the last math class i took was pre-cal, but its still kind of fun), Psychology, and Black and white photography. I only have classes on four days of the week, and 3 of them are on tuesdays and thursdays, so i still have plenty of freetime. I like all my teachers, some of my classmates are alright. Jocks need to shut up though and realize that hey, they really aren't better than anyone else in the room. There's this one in my psych class that is so fucking rude to the teacher, I can't even believe it. Do you really think making a teachers job harder makes you look manly and important? Yeah right, get over yourself.
Some shits been goin down with Susanville friends. We don't know what to do about this situation. Its lookin pretty bad though. I'm just hoping we get someone sent to prison, because thats what they deserve.
Tonight I see my Mikey. I swear, I just keep liking this boy more and more all around.
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| Its gettin hella hyphy up in hurrrr. |
[Thu, Dec 20, 2007 ♥ 10:09am] |
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mood |
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lazy |
] |
Thizzed yesterday. I couldn't stand just haven't them in my purse and not taking em. I really want to take em with Bridgey, but yesterday would have not have turned out like it did if we were sober. Turns out, snorting that shit makes you feel fan fucking tastic. Wish I had something other than yellow pistols, but whatevers clever.
Mikey and I are getting closer, and I'm happy with him. He's a good boyfriend, and we can actually talk about some serious stuff and have good conversations, the kind you need to have a good relationship. I didn't have that with Eric too much, we'd have our alone talks once in a while, but really, they weren't going anywhere.
It'd be really fun to travel with Mikey, I'd love to do that. He's interested in other cultures just about as much as I am. Actually, we're interested in alot of the same things, minus the punk music[to me, punk music has no talent whatsoever, they spent their time being so angry at the government that they forgot how to be creative].
And I'm glad he's not just another guy claiming to be in love with me. He's just likes me, for what I feel are good reasons, not just cause he likes the way I look. Its a nice change.
I don't know what will happen to us when I move this summer though. I still want to go to Humboldt, and go to college of the redwoods. Hopefully me and my girl will be living together, cause I love her. I can see it already, how much fucking fun we'll have. No better person to have as a roommate if you ask me.
I sure suck at handling money, but the only reason for that is, money is just paper to me. Its just not that important. You really can't buy happiness, no material object could make me feel as good as this secret of life I've found for myself. Still sucks that I have to pay lame ass traffic tickets[fuck you too Lassen county]. All in all, I'm pretty damn content.
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[Tue, Nov 27, 2007 ♥ 1:40am] |
Life is kinda like a tv screen and i'm just sitting here watching it.
Well It's about time I change the channel.... I've seen all these episodes before.
I want humboldt.
I'll be 19 soon. Lame. This holiday season is gonna turn out gay. I can feel it.
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